I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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