Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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