everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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