i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
how do you play pong handcuffed?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
