sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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