I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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