OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
