my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently the secret to your success is patron
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Randomize
