the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
