Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We need a shit load of segways right now
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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