Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
