please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
