dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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