I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
And then he peed in my hair
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