After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
