can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
