I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
