Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
