4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
There's even glitter on my cock...
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