I cockslap morals
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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