Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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