I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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