I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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