i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
