it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize