I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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