you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
sarcasm needs its own font
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
