Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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