I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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