cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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