I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
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