i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
