tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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