I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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