I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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