conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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