We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
