Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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