You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
