Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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