pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
