i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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