I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
