Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i think im in europe. pls send help
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
