You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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