After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
