This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
