Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
