there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
