so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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