I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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