Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
