just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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