proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
