By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
