I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
