I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
