Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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